I should've stayed on the farm, should've listened to my old man

I cannot believe the end of the school year is almost here. In November when I was asked to worked regularly at the crossing guard job, I told myself, "I can do anything for 6 months!" and I did. While I have had many, many frazzled and insomniac moments (did I ever post about driving up to the wrong house?) I did it!

After 6+ months of working on average 60+ hours a week, this Thursday my schedule drops down to only 43 hours, and at the end of June down to 35. In September, it will go back up to 45 but that will feel like nothing.

What am I going to do with myself? Well, we already covered that in another post. So much to do. So little time.

One thing that has been on my mind a lot is going back to school. This is something I have wanted to do FOREVER and talked about often on this blog. I think it is finally time to do something about it...just maybe not quite the direction I had once envisioned.

Background: When I graduated from high school, my dream was to become a high school guidance counselor. I graduated in psychology from Ricks and then sociology with a social psych emphasis from BYU, thinking that would set me up well for a career in that field.

I worked in a counseling office at a high school after I graduated from BYU. I loved it, overall. My primary responsibility was as a "tracker". I had a group of students who were at risk of dropping out, and I watched them very closely: Tutored them, made sure they were in class, called parents when they weren't, etc. I attended weekly counseling department meetings where we discussed specific needs of the students and I really felt at times that I was helping some of them. One of the girls asked me to be the maid of honor at her wedding. While I declined the invitation, I thought it was sweet.

I remember one meeting when we were discussing a student who was practically killing herself with drug addiction and an eating disorder. One of the counselors handed me a note that said, "I should've stayed on the farm, should've listened to my old man." If those words of wisdom sound familiar, that's because they are lyrics to my all time favorite Elton John song, Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road. Mr. J. knew that I was an EJ fan and that I would "get" those words. What he was saying is that sometimes trying to help people is really, really hard work, and I think that's because you cannot control the agency of others. You may want them really super badly to take care of themselves and choose the right and all of that, but in the end all you can do is teach them well, help them learn the skills they need, and let them make their choices....in other words, teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves.

Well, in the meantime, I was also working for Sears. This is what paid the bills, since the counseling job was only part time during the school year. I needed something steady and with a future. I saw that future with Sears. I had worked my way up with the company to a training position, which I greatly enjoyed as well. It wasn't as fulfilling (or hard because of the whole agency thing) but it was fun. Long story short, I put my dreams of a graduate degree in counseling on hold because Sears would pay for part of my schooling, but only if it were an MBA.

I registered for classes to start towards that route. I started doing a lot of reading on business and organizational behavior, and honestly I hated it. It was so boring to me. And it did not feel fulfilling at all. It was a few weeks before I was to start my first class that I started getting serious with Dee, and he was also planning on grad school, and it was my easy out to get out of a program that I know I wouldn't have been happy with and focus on getting him through his schooling first.

It has been 17 years since I graduated from college. SEVENTEEN! That is insane in and of itself, but the point is that I feel really old and unprepared for schooling at this point, and yet I still have felt drawn to it for all of these years.

Through the years, I have pretty much always worked, but never had a "career" since I left Sears when I was pregnant with Lou. I have taught piano, taken calls at 1800CONTACTS, substitute taught, worked as an election judge, and now glorified maid, crossing guard, and medical transcription.

Medical transcription, my "real" job at the moment feels extremely unfulfilling to me right one. I'm not super happy with my company. The work is monotonous. My wrist hurts all the time. The hours are horrible - evenings and weekends, yuck. My company has some policies that just make me scratch my head sometimes.

In a nutshell: I have a job. I do not have a career.

Oh, backing up just a bit further. Okay, a lot further. Back in 1987 I got my patriarchal blessing. I don't know if anyone remembers those days, but it was not the most common thing for LDS women to have careers outside of the home; in fact, there were often discussions about NOT doing that exact thing. Yes, get educated and prepared, but then stay home and raise your children. This is what I had always planned to do (which was one reason I was drawn to guidance counseling - besides what I mentioned, it would be on a school schedule which is good for moms.)

Which is why I was very surprised when I was told in this blessing that I could successfully have a career and a family, if I chose to do so.

The last few years, I have been very drawn to the law. It interests me. I think it CAN be a helping profession. However, I am only interested in a tiny part of it (family law) and really don't feel the desire to sit through 3 years of courses on things like writing business contracts when really I just want to help people adopt babies, navigate difficult times in life like divorce, etc.

Which brought me full circle. I don't want to go into law because of the legal stuff. I want to go into law because I think it can help people. But is it the only way? No, not at all. I could probably do much more good and in a much shorter and less painful grad school experience if I revert to my 18-year-old self and go back into what I really wanted to do in the first place: Counseling.

For many reasons that I won't go into here, I don't think guidance counseling will work at this point. I'm going to check into it still because I really do like that age group a lot. Most schools want you to be a certified teacher first, and I just have never really felt that desire....so, I am thinking of a route more like social work or MFT. I am going to meet with counselors at a local university next week to explore my options and see what I might need to do to get back into it. Terrifying, but exhilarating at the same time.

What it comes down to is this: Realistically, I am going to have to work if my kids ever have any hope of going to college without tons of debt, on missions, etc. My husband has a good career and I am grateful for that but it pays the basic bills and nothing extra. I will need to work. If I am going to "work" why not do something I really want to do and not sit and type all day, right?

This is my logic, and I am sticking to it. Wish me luck as I explore this, that I will find the right program and path to what I really want to be when I grow up.