Thoughts

Last Sunday, Dee was sustained and set apart as bishop of our ward. The day after he was called (but not to be sustained for several weeks), I sat down and wrote this. I hesitated to post it, but it does describe my feelings very early on and I want to preserve that, so here it is.

When the stake president issued the calling, he said, "tell me you're not surprised." And we both responded that we were totally surprised. Even on the way to the appointment I had asked him if he felt this is what it could be, and he said he really didn't think so. I didn't think so either.

But, let me back up. There is some history here.

About a year ago, maybe a little more, I had a couple of impressions about this. One was when I was sitting in Sunday School next to him. I don't know what sparked it, but I suddenly just had a bit of a "prepare" nudge. At the time, I took it more as a sign to devote more attention to our marriage. It wasn't specific to any calling, just a general thought that came to my mind that I should be there for him more and be more supportive.

Not too long after this (maybe before, not sure of the timeline) I had a vivid dream where he was called to be bishop, which was weird because I knew our bishop had only been in around 4 years. For about a week, the thought just kept coming to my mind that he would be called, and I couldn't understand why. I told him about it, and a few other people as well. Later, I found out that the bishop had been considering a move at that time. Then, the feelings just went away and I haven't really had them since.

As our bishop's 5-year mark (the unwritten "time" a bishop normally serves) approached, I asked Dee if he thought he might possibly be called. He said no, and we started talking about men in our ward who would do such a good job - and it's true, there are MANY who could do it and who we really thought WOULD be doing it.

Even at tithing settlement I got a little hint from the bishop that our bishopric might be changing at ward conference (which had to do with the choir number, not because he knew my husband was going to be called). I asked Dee, "Do you really think they would change the bishopric at ward conference? Seems like a lot to do in one day." We sort of left it there.

I think it was just last Thursday that I told Dee that I was really feeling the pull to move. I want to be closer to my family, and I feel like it's now or never as far as the kids go. Once they are in high school (which Sis will be next year - WHAT?) I don't really want to move them. Dee told me then that he wasn't really feeling that, and he likes it here and is fine staying. I told him I like it here too, I just wish it were about 20 hours closer to home. This is the first he told me he wanted to stay. That should have been my first sign. :)

When Dee told me he had an appointment on Sunday morning with the stake president, I had a little bit of a "things that make you go hmmm" moment. I knew it wouldn't be too long before we got a new bishop, but I was thinking more spring time. I knew the calling wasn't for me. I wondered about high council or something, but really wasn't sure.

I asked him if he thought it could be bishop. Nah, he said. There are so many others who could do it.

Yep, so many others who could - but only one who will be asked to.

So, the morning of, there were still no feelings about it. We got in the car to go to the appointment and I asked him if he was nervous. "A little bit," he said. 

While we waited at the office, I held his hand and asked again how he was doing. "Okay," he said. (He is a man of many words.)

Dee was called in and asked if he was worthy for a temple recommend. It took just a couple of minutes while I waited with the girls. Then, the stake president called me in. As I walked in the room, Dee looked pretty nervous. The stake president was explaining to the kids that he would be meeting with us for awhile, so while he was talking to them I asked Dee if he had been called to anything and he said no, but said, "there's a letter on the desk on church letterhead"...and I think that's when he had a good hunch.

After that is kind of a blur. We were probably 2 minutes into visiting when the calling was issued. He said that he hasn't been able to look at Dee in the last year without knowing that he should be the next bishop. That might explain why I had these feelings a year ago but not especially recently.

After all that was out on the table, they talked logistics a bit. We decided not to tell our kids, because we have one who would definitely let the ward know before it was time, in this kind of way: (to her Primary class) "My dad's getting a new calling, but it's not bishop." This is just her way.

So, the plan now is to tell them probably the night before. It's gonna be a LOOOONG month.

Now that I've covered the story, how do I feel about it? Well,  here are some words that come to mind: Scared, humbled, excited, overwhelmed, anxious...there are a whole lot of others as well.

I don't worry about the time so much. He's been in 3 bishoprics before and ward clerk as well, so I know a bit about the meetings. He's also a temple worker (which he will  not be able to do now) and that takes up his entire Wednesday nights anyway right now. He's always been busy in the church and traveled with his work and other things. He's busy, has always been busy, and will be even busier now. I'm okay with that, because as a great balance to his time commitments, I am very independent and always have been. Sometimes that's not a great thing because it might be nice to "need" him more perhaps, but I am pretty used to being busy myself and keeping things running. We will be okay there.

These are the things I worry about:

-The burden of helping people carry their sorrows, sins, and grief. I know bishops carry it and can feel pretty alone a lot of the time because they can't talk about it with almost anyone. I know there are blessings as well, but I just think overall this is the hardest calling in the church that way.

-My husband's fears of his inadequacies. We all have them, certainly, but I'm sure as a bishop you feel like they are under a microscope. I know there have been times when I've been critical of my bishops, and I know there are people who will be critical of my husband. Some of them might even be my friends. That will be hard. It's also why I gave him some great advice regarding counselors (if I do say so myself). I told him he needs to take the names of people he's seriously considering and write down what he sees to be their strengths and try to find people who will help in areas where he is weak.

-Being the bishop's wife. I have always had a questioning mind. I suppose the Lord knew this about me when he called my husband, so He's okay with me being in this position, but sometimes I doubt myself. My faith is nowhere near as strong as my husband's is. When we talk about some of my questions, he always feels really secure in his answers when I don't so much. I just hope that I don't bring him any added criticism or grief, because I know he really wants to just do a good job.

-Sometimes I worry that because he's a therapist professionally  people might think, "oh yay, free counseling!" and I think it might be hard for him to have that boundary of wanting to help people and being taken advantage of. That's something we've talked about. He knows he needs to have parameters and I'm sure he'll figure it out. He's certainly not the first therapist who has been in this position and they've found a way and he will too. I do worry about it sometimes though. I don't want him to feel that his entire life has to be just about helping people in a therapeutic sense.

For now, I guess that's about it. I just want to end by saying that in the last several months I have really felt that we needed to strengthen our marriage. We have made efforts to do that I think he would also say that we feel closer to each other than we have in a long time. This is good, because a few months ago this calling might have been really, really hard on us as a couple. Now, I think we are in it together more and understanding of what the other person needs. We are communicating better, and we're going to need that in the next several years.

I guess this means my pull to move will be stopped for awhile. We're here and I know he's excited to serve. He'll do his best, and that's all that can be asked, right?